Poetry – 2010 to 2013

Once

I loved you once,

even though it was strange

I loved you through it all,

the inconvenience,

and the pain.

I loved you once,

then again.

I loved you twice-

and then a third.

I loved you,

even when it hurt.

Walls

The taller and stronger you build up those walls in your mind, 

the harder and slower they fall.

 Sure, today you feel safe and secure, inside your castle. 

Tomorrow though, when the gates are flooded – 

and they come crashing in – 

who will be your saviour?

 You keep what loves you away –

 you press against all hope, so then, 

when your demons come –

 you are alone.

Please

I aim to please.

Please myself.

Excuse you.

Walk out of my way.

You’re nothing.

I am everything.

No –

 I will not listen.

I tried it your way,

weak, broken, shattered.

You are nothing.

I will walk away.

Before I am battered.

What will hold me back?

You’ve evaporated.

This glass

no longer has a crack.

I fixed me,

I deleted you.

Faltered Reality

Shot –

of whiskey

Shot –

of rum

Drown your sorrow in

a couple of coolers.

Shot –

of something that burns going down.

Shot –

Was that vodka?

Suddenly we’re

on the dance floor

moving to songs I’ve never heard

skin touches skin

slowly,

then faster and longer

moving to a beat,

generating heat

Shot –

was that tequila?

Ten more minutes

two more,

move back to the floor

swaying to a new song.

The scene changes,

I can’t remember how.

We’re behind the wheel,

racing like the wind.

I feel your lips,

almost numb,

but they’re there.

Kiss –

one two three

Kiss –

I can’t remember my name

World’s out of control,

It’s all a blur.

Kiss –

I can’t remember your name.

You touch,

I touch.

Blackout.

The Perils of Lightning

You probably want me to get struck by lightning,

probably want me to stop breathing,

can’t say that I blame you.

Though I wish I could get one more shot,

I know there’s a greater chance

that this car I’m driving

will turn into a brand new corvette.

You know I really loved you,

Even when I called you out.

Maybe it’s just the alcohol

giving me these crazy thoughts.

Or maybe it’s just that it’s been a few months.

I think about you with every cigarette.

Does she love you like I do?

Or do you miss me sometimes?

If you want me to have a heart attack

I can’t say I’d blame you.

Even though you’re my last regret.

Never meant to hurt you,

especially not the way I did.

You know I’ll always love you,

Think of me when you hold her.

’cause I’ll think of you on my dying bed.

Seven Truthful Sins

I am proud of who I am,

I have passion that lusts for another,

I have wrath against those who

have wronged my loved ones,

I envy those who are at peace,

I am greedy when it comes to happiness,

I am sloth on my weakest days,

empty and amiss,

Sometimes I feel glutton,
and consume too much
of this material world,

So tell me,
Am I a sinner?
Will I go to your hell?

Closing Mind

 I am lost

and broken

I am the glass

that shatters

at your touch

not enough

is

too much

sinking

ending

suffocating

 

Fast cars and girls who can’t say no

Damp eyes,

Open hearts,

Fast cars and

girls who can’t

say no.

Spinning into the darkness,

clutch and shift

screeching tires

and metal scraping

we’re flying towards

the light

in the endless night

how come everything so wrong

is so perfect,

so completely right

he moves his head to mine,

a kiss –

one more this time

his hands are on the wheel,

his eyes are on me.

I don’t scream,

I let him kiss me

We risk it all –

for what?

He turns back to the road

the car lurches at his grip

I feel a surge of electricity

this is what –

we’re alive.

Gamer Girl 

You’re a girl in a man’s world

hit on all day –

you’re taking bullets for your party,

but still they complain

“Are you really a girl?”

They commonly say,

You laugh to yourself

as you look at your breasts.

“Last time I checked,”

you know, I guess.

You scream at your TV

the same as the boys,

but they’re chuckling

and saying

“calm down, it’s no big deal.”

When you’re good,

they whine

When you’re bad

they insult you

cause’ girls “shouldn’t play”

Both revered for femininity

and forever scorned.

They can’t understand

you just love the game

All things considered,

you’d never quit.

Even though so few games

let you be yourself.

I guess the companies aren’t

so keen

on girl’s taking over

I think it’s time the boy’s shoved off

cause I’m a gamer girl,

and I’m here to stay.

Trusting Love

Transfixed by your heartbeat

I keep my hand on your chest

you breathe heavily

but it keeps me calm

we are waiting

waiting for the sun

but nothing but darkness

will come

how do I trust you?

When I know we are trapped.

I trust your voice

I trust your tapping fingers

and I trust your perfect chin

Even if we die tomorrow

I will have have known

the love and the feeling

of a love that’s overgrown

it tangles like the weeds,

intertwining in your soul.

I will die not a half,

but a whole.

Suicide Letter

Wide eyed,

and short of breath,

my darling daughter

full of stress,

she looks to me

for “advice”

How though?

How could I offer

a shred of hope –

When all I see,

all I know,

is pain.

A mother’s love

So strong –

so endless.

This could not stop

What my mind has held.

So I am sorry my dear,

For all your hurt

that I have caused.

So take with you,

in your heart,

that I have loved you

with all my life.

To feel again

I cut deeper now than I did before,

small soft lines,

have grown more jagged

I used to care

about each wound,

I’d clean them

as though it mattered

Now though the cuts 

are full of pain

the pleasure long since waned,

but I feel something I thought

that I never could

again,

I feel alive each time I

slide the blade across my flesh

My legs and arms are littered

I’m damaged now you see,

So why would I stop this?

This horror I could be.

I think not of the future,

I think not of the past – 

My life now revolves around

each drop of blood on glass.

The Saddest Prose

I never know what words I’ll write,

when I start a piece of paper,

I never know the things I’ll say,

when I type across my screen.

Yesterday I cared for the world,

today I’m selfish and sad.

Why just last week I wrote

the saddest prose,

but no emotions did I feel.

To look at every stanza

you might have thought I cared

but honestly,

I just can’t change my mind.

Other’s write when a feeling hits,

you know that deep gut-wrenching

thing they feel inside?

I write the saddest stories,

but only apathy do I feel

They say to stop –

to look and think

as though that’s the way to change

but each time I say something

I can’t help but no t care.

You want another “great one”

you say this to my ear.

Well darling did the great’s

have to live in such a world?

Plague cannot compare 

to what I see today

more selfish and more rampant

than any tyranny.

I wonder if Sir Edgar,

had feelings just the same

remember when he asks

if it’s all just a dream 

within one never-ending dream?

I can’t help but side with him

as I feel nothing for this world

perhaps though tomorrow I’ll feel

but today,

It’s all a hallucination – 

brought on by a world of doubt

I dare you though,

to look at me

to look at me to pout.

 

 In Death’s Eyes

Silence fills the spaces around the untouched surface,

The sounds still rage, within my soul.

For you were with me then,

And you are with me now.

Alone I sit, filled with you.

Your essence more powerful than my breath,

The simple act of death,

You were there, or are you then?

Quietly searching my mind,

I find your picture, upon my breast.

Water seeping through the ceiling,

Dropping, and pattering.

Like the tears rolling down my cheek.

Noise begins to rise,

My own heart-beat taking me by surprise,

Is it really true?

Are we all equal in deaths eyes?

No one free,

We’re all waiting for our demise.

Witches in Dark Houses

Witches in dark houses,

should not throw stones, 

The earth shivers

and it breaks.

Whenever you reject nature

In such a way,

You will be torn

Inside and out

If you let the darkness

Overcome the light.

Where is the broken glass?

Is it on the floor?

Shattered into pieces

Dripping blood

And flesh and

Rotting plant

Ashes we have become 

Miserable in our grave,

To live for all eternity

Death is frivolous

But I pray for it

Every second

Of every month

Dead Silence

I feel you at my side,

but how?

How could I feel you,

when you have all but

abandoned me,

years and years ago,

before they even knew

you, it was all you

why did it end this way?

The two of us together,

intertwined

Why are you here with me?

Your grave has all but faded

but I am the one who has died

been dead since your last touch

but still, in my ear

nothing but your whispered voice

is all I hear

you drive me to the edge,

but never will I step

give myself to your ghost

for suicide will make me linger

these halls that held our love,

they also grip your soul

so if I wither on –

perhaps I will soar to heaven

away – to a better death

but first I must be here in hell

Your voice,

will be my fall.

War

You stepped out of line,

Through the cross-fire,

In the design of endless time,

One hundred summers could not ease the pain,

To which you inflicted upon a nation.

Suffering has become a new pain.

There are no children singing,

No larks above the war-torn soil.

The graves fill parks, and fields.

Death tearing through the cities like a knife through silk.

 

Stop

You press your hands to my back,

You grip my hand,

Won’t let me go

Why do you torture me so?

I’m completely over you.

Yes it’s true.

Get the fuck away from me.

I want to move on with my life.

Stop it,

Don’t touch me.

Back to the first,

Here we are.

One more kiss.

Two more touches.

My body is relieved.

Of course I needed you.

Who else is there to need?

Oh god don’t stop.

I want to kiss you back.

I have to kiss you back.

There is no one else.

My god.

Keep going.

Wait, where are you going?

Once more you leave me alone.

Of course, I was so naïve.

Go fuck yourself.

Wait?

I didn’t mean it.

Come back!

Blind Arrogance  

As you stare upon your leg,

Blood, mixed with anxiety and pain,

Clouds of hunger,

As you scratch towards the vein.

“A dangerous time to let your 

Head make up its own mind.”

Think of all the words you’ve heard.

Now hasn’t this just become absurd?

Doubt is no where near.

There’s nothing left to hear.

Another poem written,

Some one sheds a tear.

“You’re deep.”

They say and you smile.

Thinking of the wound upon your thigh,

Your misery hiding in plain sight 

 

Cold Tea

I sit beside my world,

thinking of the end

there is nothing such as sweet

as cold tea on warm days

you walked away

I let you,

but forever will I sit

dreaming of that tea

and what it could have meant

A life that could of been 

I never dreamt of love,

I never wanted to belong to another.

I want a life of solitude

Of short days

And long books,

Near fireplaces

Even clubs

Or drinks of whiskey

But not a life of you and I

My best friend has always been

The one I held so dear,

Though myself that may be

I never regretted a year.

Then I was hurt by another,

A friend I held to my heart

I swore then I would never
allow some one to be

Everything to me

You came to love me though,

You brought me out of shadows

And I saw the light in you

That I never saw in myself

I loved you every minute

Right until the end

I went back to my normalness

To being my only friend

But you know,

I still think sometimes

Of when you told me things

We dreamt of a life together

Of a sort of normalcy.

I wonder how you are today

Happy just to be

A part of you for one short time

Of what you meant to me

Not every story is forever,

But not every story is true

But darling I could never lie

Not when it’s about you.

So go on now and live your life

Live it without me

But some nights when you’re cold,

Think of all the memories we hold

Of a world that could have been

 

Alone

There is darkness in my world,
it watches me as I sleep.
My heart is broken
into pieces,
shattered ones,

tiny little shards
of jagged glass.

I dare you to try

and fix me,

you’ll be bloody
by the end.

Growing up

I cannot remember my childhood fears,

I suppose that is something,

I’ve lost over the years.

Love has gone over my head,

and I’ve never considered

that someday I would be dead.

I live for myself,

but I cry for those 

who cannot have

the simple things.

I try to be nice,

but nothing can stop

the way that I feel

for a world that has lost

all that is good.

Here I am Without You 

You opened my eyes,

I want them closed.

How could you have opened my heart?

I told you I’d never love again.

You swore to change my mind.

You bastard, you stole it all.

You stole my peace, my serenity.

I loved you more than I’d even loved before.

The pain was gone, and you were there.

Now you’re gone, how could you?

Did you plan this all along?

No, you’d never want to die,

But you did, how could you?

Here I am, without you,

I hate this.

 

 

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